This first line sets up the theme of today’s post.
This first line also just sent my mother into cardiac arrest…because its not 100% accurate. I didn’t really start dieting when I was nine…and continue dieting for the next 40 years…but it is probably 95% accurate or at least it feels that way!
Diet should be my middle name. Tonya Diet Rohr. Seriously though, I have been on every kind of diet plan and regimen you can I imagine. It started with the Vienna Sausage Diet (don’t ask). Then the, pee on the little stick diet (again, don’t ask). Then there was the boiled cabbage diet, the eat no good thing diet, the 500 calorie a day diet, and the all too popular…don’t eat at all diet. Of course all of these were during my young and dumb years and as expected, none of them worked.
Now that I am older and wiser my “diets” are not really diets at all…just tweaks here and there to my daily intake…purposing to eat sensible and healthy for the long hall. But every now and then I get a wild hair to try something new.
Years ago I watched a news segment on T.V. about the health benefits of pure, raw apple cider Vinegar. There were many, many health benefits discussed in this segment, but one caught my attention….weight loss! The guy that was sharing the information, coached his listeners not only on how beneficial vinegar was but also about how quick and easy it was to just “shoot” back two teaspoons of Vinegar, like a shot of whiskey….and just like that…it would be over. “it’s not bad at all”, the nice T.V. man said.
Well that’s all I needed to hear…quick…easy…fat loss! I immediately went to the health food store and purchased exactly what he advised. I couldn’t wait to get home and “shoot” it back and watch the pounds melt away. Later that afternoon, I made my way to the kitchen with my bottle of pure gold. I began to dig through the cabinets, looking for an old souvenir shot glass Caleb had bought for me while he was on a field trip (I know what your thinking..likely story…blame it on the kid) after some digging I finally found it. I opened the $4.49 bottle of fat killer and poured me a shot.
Let me stop and interject something right here. I HATE taking liquid medicine or drinking anything nasty for that matter…I always have. Ask my mother. Over the years, many a prescription medicine went to waste as I spewed it all over the kitchen.
Anyway, I had considered the fact that drinking raw vinegar might taste pretty nasty, but if it would help me lose some of my belly fat it would be so worth it. And, it is after all, just a shot, I told myself.
I stood at the kitchen sink, holding the shot of vinegar in one hand while simultaneously holding my nose with the other. To help myself, I imagined that I was a cowboy in a spaghetti western, sitting at the bar eyeballing my shot glass, craving the cool wet sensation to hit the back of my throat…when suddenly I did it! Just like the man said. I just threw it back in one smooth quick motion.
To help you understand what happened next, I would like for you to put your hands out in front of you as if you were going to clap your hands. As you hold your hands out…spread your fingers apart as far as they will go…now firmly clap you hands together with great force while at the same time firmly lacing your fingers, tightly griping your hands together.
That is what my throat did when I “shot” the vinegar!
It immediately closed up with such force that NOTHING was going in or out! NO AIR! NO COUGHING! NO NOTHING! Suddenly I was no longer in a spaghetti Western sitting at the bar enjoying a cool drink. I was in my kitchen…gasping for air…choking to death! I panicked and thought, I am going to die right here in the middle of my kitchen floor and nobody is gonna know what happened! Within a few seconds of gasping for air and pleading to Jesus for deliverance, air finally began to creep its way back into my lungs.
For heavens sake! I almost died following that man’s stupid advice just to lose a few pounds! Well, needless to say I opted to keep my fat and use the $4.49 bottle of pure raw apple cider Vinegar to clean my garbage disposal instead!
Fast forward about five years. While at church one day I overheard a friend talking about her remarkable results from drinking Apple Cider Vinegar….my ears perked up and I happily chimed in on the conversation. “I tried that once, and I almost died!” I said. ” how?” she inquired. “well”, I said, “I just shot a couple of teaspoons back and my throat closed up…literally”. With a shocked look on her face she said, “oh you can’t drink it straight! It will burn your throat!”
Out of curiosity I asked her how she took it. That’s when I learned that you’re suppose to dilute two teaspoons in a cup of water with a little honey. (where was she when I was watching the T.V, show?) then she added that she was extremely pleased with the results…weight loss!
Well, put a stick in my behind and call me a sucker! because today…I went back to the store and bought another bottle of “mothers” apple cider Vinegar. I thought to myself, if my friend can do it surely I can do it! So, once again I anxiously went to my kitchen, pulled from the cabinet, the prettiest glass I could find and poured 8oz. of cold water. Then I added about a tablespoon of honey and two teaspoons of “tummy tuck in a bottle”.
Carefully, I positioned myself over my kitchen sink anticipating what was about to happen. Would I die? Would I gag? Would I throw up? Would I instantly lose five pounds? All I knew was that my friend told me once I started drinking, not to stop, just keep on chugging it down! I was determined to do this! With every ounce of courage I could muster up, I grabbed that really pretty class full of a liquid that smelled like soured feet, grabbed my nose with the other hand and began to chug!
As soon as nasty mess hit the back of my throat, it wrapped itself around my gag reflex and sent my hopes for a flat belly spewing all over the place!
Dear Lord how can anybody drink this stuff! I thought.
Ten minutes later, with a nose, red from me pinching it so hard, and a stomach that was threatening to bring back up what I had just forced down…I had done it! I was victorious! I drank it! Well most of it…not counting what I “lost” in the sink. And I do declare that when I put my jeans on right after that they felt looser 😉 I tell myself that so maybe I can do the same thing again tomorrow.
Or maybe I’ll just bypass the whole drinking Vinegar ordeal and go put on my Spanx 😉
Thanks for reading! I love you more than my front porch swing!
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